BETWEEN FEAR AND CALLING

I propositioned God around my 53rd birthday to send some new direction for my life. It was a bold and foolish thing to do because even though I “gave God lots of time” (till my 55th birthday—and I was certain that something would surely be stirring in a two year window of time!) I am looking back now thinking that God has all along been propositioning me, sending constant signals which I have not heeded and is still giving me ample time to wake up and smell the coffee! So what’s between God’s persistent signaling and my slow responsiveness? Oh, sure there are the usual misunderstandings and confusions, the multiplicity of possibilities which is also the duplicity of possibilities which anchors my life in the present for better or worse. But primarily it is fear which prevents my answering the invitations God is presenting.

Once again God put up a huge billboard on Easter morning. The women come early in the morning to see the tomb and are met by an angel who has already rolled away the stone for them to see that it is empty. The angel says, “Do not be afraid,” a phrase which seems to be a favorite of angels—recalling Abraham and Sarah, Moses, Mary and the Shepherds! And again later in the story Jesus himself appears to them and says, “Do not be afraid.” I wanted to cry out—“Okay, okay! I get it already!”

Recently I was challenged to write down my fears—one each day for thirty days to see if identifying them would help put them in their place. Certainly I don’t want to deny the reality of the fears I feel, but also do not want to be captive to them. Today I write this blog to list some of the fears I have identified thinking that others must also be wrestling with this dynamic and hoping that some might respond in kind, or gain some small insight into their own journey. These are listed chronologically and without explanation because they are the raw material for my reflection and yours if you wish:

3/3: That things will be worse and not better even though it’s what I want.
3/4: I desire courage to face prospects of failure which prevent me from risking new ventures.
3/5: I want courage and assurance as I leave the comforts of the familiar.
3/6: Courage to face God’s calling for me.
3/7: Courage to take first steps without having a whole plan.
3/8: Courage to be truthful with myself and my family about my sense of calling.
3/9 Courage and wisdom to embrace even more financial uncertainty.
3/10: Courage and wisdom to open my discernment to many others.
3/11: May I hear Jesus’ calling for me now.
3/12: Courage and wisdom to convene a kitchen cabinet to share visions.
3/13: Courage to take 1st steps, ie to write scenarios re: organizing, e-being, other…
3/14: What if I decide to do something else and I’m still hungry? Or hungrier?
3/15: Courage to let go of Redeemer.
3/16: Courage to detach from what is to consider what might be.
3/17: Confidence to wade in the water, go in over my head and reach the other side.
3/18: Courage to enter the wilderness of not knowing where I am going.
3/19: Faith to trust openness.
3/20: Faith to go where I am led.
3/21: Confidence to ride the bumps of decision-making/discernment/transition.
3/22: Fear I will make a mistake which will be difficult to change.
3/23: Lack of trust that God is leading me.
3/24: I’m out of touch with my true self now—how ‘bout any decisions I make now?
3/25: Change.
3/26: Giving up potential “here” for less known potential “there”.
3/27: Not having a clear enough picture of what I’m called to.
3/28: Fear of leaving.

As you can see I am not finished. Probably never will be. I offer this list for your prayer and reflection. And perhaps you will respond to share how God might be freeing you to respond to the invitations to new life.

P Moe
3/28/05